Home Sweet Home, part 2: The Money Pit

I know this shows my age, but who remembers that old Tom Hanks movie, The Money Pit? He and his partner buy an old gorgeous home, and from the minute they purchase it, it begins falling apart. You see where this is going? The good news: I found a new house and will, hopefully, move in sometime before July 1. The bad news? Well, let’s begin:

I found this beautiful home on Lilongwe Chat, a Craigslist mostly for ex-pats in Lilongwe. It is an old government home from the 1950’s in a great location, has a gorgeous yard with fruit trees (football size!), and it is more than ample size for my short-term and long-term guests. It also has staff “quarters” and guard posts, but that will be for another blog posting. The owner of the home is the Minister of XXXXX (a muckidy muck who shall remain nameless for propriety’s sake). He is, not surprisingly, rather hard to reach (it’s hard to visit all your homes, fly to the World Cup, and constantly drive around with police escort between Parliament appearances). To make his hard life easier, Minister hired the past renter, Betsy (not her real name), to help him find a new tenant, a process that seems straightforward. Hah! To make a long story short, Betsy is your quintessential hippie ex-pat – a true “blowing in the wind” type of person. She has no common sense, no legal experience in writing leases, no spelling skills, and could not get in touch with the Minister to actually discuss the details. I believe we met approximately 23 times, had 141 phone calls, and exchanged 264 emails in a convoluted process that included her trying to get me to exchange foreign currency with her; pay her the deposit in cash; ignore the misspellings of my name; and put me on the hook for the damages she made to the home. It got so nasty for me (while maintaining a calm, kind, and patient exterior) that we actually took the lease to an attorney (the same one that Madonna uses in Malawi!).

3 weeks later, the house is mine, but we are ironing out a few outstanding (astounding) issues. First “funny” thing: Betsy took all the keys to the doors, except 1. She may actually have them, but she is in England which is not so convenient. With the key she left, I was able to open half the 2-part door (like a barn door), and get in and out through the bottom. However, I did misestimate the height of the door once and completely scalped myself – leaving a nice chunk of hair and head on the door and leaving a lovely scab in its wake (see scene of scalping in car port, below). Second “funny” thing: renters are actually responsible for inside repairs in the homes they rent – it’s in the typical Malawi lease -- including all new door locks, painting, tile replacement, etc. Somehow through my Chichewa interpreter and my pleading smile, I did get the Minister’s repairman to make some concessions– a miracle and a much-needed break. Third “funny” thing: Betsy took the drapes to the windows – all 23 windows. I like natural light; but, no one needs to be blinded by my white bottom, and the housekeeper, gardener, and guards do not need Peeping Tom encouragement. Cost for curtains: $300. Isn’t this a developing country? And, lastly (for brevity’s sake), I have been paying to live there since the 15th, but the house won’t be ready for until the end of next week. Silver lining: the delivery folks managed to get in a fridge, stove, and washing machine (you’re welcome, Jon) through the half door, and the outside is being repainted on the Minister’s dime right now.

Deep breath.

This, too, shall pass. The house is really lovely. Jon will love it. We will make it a beautiful place and inviting space. And, as soon as I finish these next 2 weeks of hellacious housekeeping tasks, it will all be worth it. Optimism activated!